Vagina Monologues…

As all servers know, every time you approach a table, you are most likely interrupting conversations that are going on at the table. Sometimes customers will stop talking and other times they don’t, which can lead to overhearing some pretty interesting things.

On Friday night, I had been waiting on a table that, for a lack of a better description, were just plain weird. Odd. I had been having, not issues, but difficulties with them from the moment they sat down.

When I walked over to bring them their dessert, they were passing a larger iPhone, maybe a 7+, back and forth across the table, as I was setting the dessert on the table. I happened to see the image on the phone and realized it was a medical poster with about six images of the female anatomy, from every conceivable angle 😵.

Now, I didn’t hear any of the conversation that would have put the picture into context, but that only leaves me to imagine what two late 40’s early 50’s people we’re talking about that would require googling such an image.


Hugs for everyone!

Scenes from last night:
I’m a hugger. I hug my friends and regular customers. I have been known to stop taking an order at a table to hug customers on their way in or out of the restaurant.
Over the years, I have always found it amusing to hear the comments of customers when they see me hugging other people; everything from “oh my,” to “can I have a hug?” And as with the TSA agent at the airport I mentioned in a previous post, if you ask for a hug, you’re getting one!
But what I thought was really funny, on a Friday night a few weeks back, after having many friends and regulars in and out of the restaurant, and many hugs given and received, that an older male customer that I had waited on, caught me in an unexpected bear hug on his way out. He was a big guy, maybe 6’2”, 230 and just wrapped his big beefy arms around me, but my arms were just hanging straight down. They were trapped, flopping around like a fish out of water!
I stepped away and tried to laugh it off by saying, “wow, that was unexpected!”
Man: Oh, well, I saw you hugging other customers and I thought that was what we were supposed to do.
Me: (laughing) Well, all of those people were friends, but if you want a proper hug, you have to warn a girl!
I think the man felt a little embarrassed, but I just motioned for him to bring it in, and got up on my tiptoes and gave him a proper hug.
So there you have it, if you’re in need of a hug, you know where to find me. 😉

The Magic Oyster

Scenes from last night:
A few months ago, a longtime friend, who had moved away, came back into town for a visit with his girlfriend and her family. Before they came into town, he asked me for advise one restaurants up in the Stuart/Jensen Beach area, which is as foreign to me as asking for advise on restaurants in Idaho.
When they came in for dinner, I asked them where they had gone for dinner the night before.
The girlfriend’s father said, “oh this place called The Magic Oyster.”
Me: Hmmm, I’ve never heard of it. Was it good?
Man: Yes, we had a good time.
I walked away to grab some more beers for the table, and while I was grabbing the beers out of the cooler, I was muttering/laughing to myself about the name of the restaurant. As I was doing this, one of the line cooks walked behind me and asked what I was talking about.
Me: The Magic Oyster. Have you ever heard of it? I don’t know where it is? Do you?
Co-Worker: No, but I’d be more than willing to help you find it. (he joked)
Me: (laughing) Ugh, I walked right into that one (shaking my head and walking away)
A few weeks later, I was telling that story to some mutual friends, who happen to work in a more corporate environment. They were laughing, but I felt some hesitancy.
So I asked them, on a scale of 1-10, where that fell on the sexual harassment scale, and they said, “Sally, that’s like a 7 or an 8.”
Me: Really? Because around here, that’s like a 1 or a 2.
A few weeks later, another regular walked in wearing this shirt, and i just shook my head and laughed.
I know in this new age of #metoo and #timesup, there is spectrum of sexual harassment, and it isn’t something to be taken lightly. But there should also be the ability to joke around in work place where you feel safe. So don’t worry about me. I’m a big girl and can handle myself. As I’ve mentioned before, we’ve all spent a minimum of 15 years working together and we all know what lines can and can’t be crossed.

Sorry I asked…

Scenes from last night:

All these years later, I still haven’t been able to figure out why the most basic question a server can ask is always the most difficult for people to answer. It’s not like it’s a trick question. You’re asked it every single time you go out for a meal. And then you have people like this:

Me: Hi everyone, how are you? Can I start you with something to drink?

Woman (my age, maybe a little younger, and VERY excited): Hi, yes. Ohmygod, I am so excited to be here. We moved in across the street about a year and a half ago, and we’ve never made it over, even though all of our friends have told us to come, and now my parents are in town, and we’ve finally made it over here, I still can’t believe it’s taken us so long, and…

Me: Whoa there! (laughing, but also trying not to get caught, again, rolling my eyes, because I’m not even sure she’s taken a breath)

Woman: And I hear you guys have a really good wine list, and well the kids will have juice, and I like red, but my husband will probably have a beer, and…

Me: (I have to stop this, because honestly, she’s starting to give me a headache, and I’ve only been standing here for less than a minute) Okay, how about this. First of all, we don’t have any juice, just sodas and lemonade. Here is our beer and wine menu. Let me go grab you some waters while you settle in and look things over and I’ll be right back.

It didn’t work.

Swipe Left

Scenes from last night:

I’m not sure I have the words to properly describe the events that occurred tonight, but I will do my best.

Part 1: I see this woman walking towards the restroom, holding her pint of beer, speaking very loudly while on speaker, wearing an outfit that looks like she stole it from either Pebbles, Betty, or Wilma. I can’t remember who wore the one shoulder leopard print, asymmetrical print dress.

Part 2: About 10 minutes later, she immerges from the bathroom, speaking in tongues, yelling into her phone. I’m standing back by the dessert station as she walks by us, and we honestly can’t tell if she’s drunk, high, or handicapped.

Part 3: I walk around to put an order into the kitchen and she is, I don’t know how to describe it, almost keening…wailing, crying, sobbing at the top of her lungs. Now she’s in her early to mid 30’s and her date is in his 70’s. He stands up and starts yelling he wants us to call the police on her. Customers are shocked and concerned. The man says, “I wouldn’t have asked her out if I knew she was crazy!” Her server went over to her and politely asked her to calm down, and now she switched back to laughing and having a great time.

Part 4: Their food arrived, but the man asked for the check and the girl was speed eating and getting food all over the table. The man stands up and asks for a bag for the boxes so the food doesn’t spill in his car. Then he says, rather loudly, “maybe we can put the bag over her head”, to which we all start laughing because the situation is so weird. Then he says, “put it over her head and tie it up nice and tight”, right in front of the girl. Now it’s getting awkward. I say, “Maybe you should have swiped left”.

Part 5: As they’re leaving, I noticed that one of them must have brought their own cocktail glass in, so I go to run in the parking lot. As soon as I open the door, the girl is literally peeing on the sidewalk. Peeing. On the sidewalk. PEEING. ON THE SIDEWALK! I just shut the door. I think I yelled, or something, maybe laughed, because now half the staff is watching her pee on the sidewalk through the window. Then she walks across the parking lot and proceeds to pee some more before she gets into the guys car and they leave.